I Hate Hermione and A Muggle Card Game
by Bob Bennit
Summary: Ron is unable to fall asleep. Hermione goes to Ron’s room to see what he’s doing after she tries to fall asleep. They play chess, cards, and Truth or Dare without the Truth. What kind of trouble are they going to get into? And will Harry be able to cope?
1. The Game

**I Hate Hermione And A Muggle Card Game  
****I do not, under any circumstances, even in my sleep, own Harry Potter. I just own the insane plot, and some of the chocolate sauce.  
****Summary: **Ron is unable to fall asleep. Hermione goes to Ron's room to see what he's doing after she tries to fall asleep. They play chess, cards, and Truth or Dare without the Truth. What kind of trouble are they going to get into? And will Harry be able to cope?

Ron Weasley is an almost normal seventeen year old. He's a wizard at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, and he's best friends with the Boy Who Lived along with Hermione Granger, the smartest witch at Hogwarts. But, like most teenagers, there are nights when he can't sleep, and this is one of them. He had been staring at the ceiling for nearly two and a half hours, and he was counting the cracks in the ceiling. So far, he's counted seventy-nine, from one corner to the other. Usually he would just bug his friend, Harry Potter, but this time, since Fred and George moved out and got their own flat, Harry had is own room.

Ron blinked. He still couldn't fall asleep. _'Maybe if Mum wasn't so mad at me, Harry, and Hermione, then I wouldn't feel as guilty.' _Ron thought back to what they did to his mum, and how mad she was at them.

Now he was thinking about getting out of bed and going downstairs to make tea, but he didn't want to wake anybody up, especially his parents.

Rolling onto his side he began thinking about other things, like his friends, and what was going on in their lives. Harry had just got there from the Dursley's, and Hermione had just got there from Bulgaria. She had been visiting Krumm. That kind of angered Ron because he didn't like Krumm. It also bothered him because he liked Hermione, and Hermione was spending time with the Bulgarian ugly man.

Ron was interrupted from his thought process, with a knock at the door. He looked at it a moment. Then he got up and walked to it. He opened it, "Yeah?"

"Did I wake you?"

Ron smiled; it was his friend, Hermione. "No, I've been awake since ever. Haven't gotten to sleep yet." Ron said. He yawned.

"Oh…well I can't sleep either." Hermione said. "And I was going around to see if anyone was up. Do you want to come with me, and have some tea?" Hermione asked.

Ron thought about it. "Err…yeah. As long as we don't wake up mum at least." He paused a moment, and then he looked down. "Give me a minute to find something to wear." Ron said. He shut the door and went to his clothes. He grabbed a pair of pajama bottoms and put them on over his boxers. Then he went to the door. Hermione was on the other side of the hallway, waiting for him. "How come you didn't go downstairs?" He asked, shutting his door quietly behind him.

"I don't like this house in the dark. It creaks." She said with a smile.

"I like this house." Ron said defensively.

"Of course you do." Hermione said. "But you're not a girl who is terribly afraid of heights are you?" She whispered, walking to the stairs.

"No." Ron said. They quietly walked down the stairs, Ron behind Hermione. When they reached the living room, it was quiet. Ron almost expected his mum to be up. "Let's go to the kitchen." Ron whispered.

Hermione nodded her head, and they went to the kitchen. It was pitch dark in there, but Ron found some candles and lit them, making the room eerily lit. Hermione began making tea, and Ron sat down at the table. "How come you're not sleeping?" He asked.

Hermione filled the teakettle up with water. She turned around and looked at Ron. "Did you say something?" She asked.

"I said, how come you're not sleeping?" He asked again.

"I couldn't sleep. Too much on my mind. How come you weren't sleeping?" She asked. Hermione set the teakettle down on the stove, and then she sat at the table.

"Same as you." Ron said.

They sat in silence for a few minutes, and then the teakettle began to blow. Hermione quickly got up and took it off the stove. Ron got up and got two coffee mugs and some tea bags.

When everything was finished, they sat down across from each other. Each had their cup of tea. "Do you want to play some chess?" Ron asked.

Hermione played with her tea bags a moment. "I guess so. I think I've gotten better."

Ron got up, a smirk on his face. "Sure Hermione." He went into the living room and gathered up his chess set. He and Harry played it earlier, before Harry went to bed. That was like 11 o'clock. Now it was edging close to one thirty. He walked back into the kitchen, and Hermione was still sitting at the same spot, except now she was sitting cross-legged in the chair. "How do you do that?" He asked, pointing to her legs. He set the chess set onto the table.

"I just can. My legs aren't as long as yours." Hermione replied.

Ron set up the chess set, and then they started to play. This was Ron's other chess set, and it was the muggle kind. It didn't move by voice, it moved by manual labor. "So Hermione how was your stay in Bulgaria?" Ron asked, trying to make casual talk; but if only it didn't have to be about Krumm.

Hermione said, "Exciting. I went to all of the history museums. Bulgaria is full of interesting things." Hermione said.

"How was Vicky?" Ron asked. He looked at Hermione to see her expression, and it wasn't the usual glare that he received when he called him Vicky.

"His house was grand." Hermione said. She watched where Ron moved his pieces. "But it was empty. He was never home, so there wasn't much there. It's not like the Burrow. I love it here." Hermione said. She sighed.

"Okay, but how was Vicky?" Ron asked again.

"He was fine towards the beginning of the trip, I guess." Hermione paused to move one of her pieces. "When I was visiting the museums he was fine. He supplied a lot of facts. That was when I had the feeling that he was fake." Hermione said after sighing again. "And then you won't believe what he did!" She exclaimed. Her voice was a whisper, so they wouldn't wake anyone up.

"What'd he do?" Ron asked. His brow furrowed in an angry type of expression.

"He kissed me!" Hermione said, throwing her hands into the air. "Out of all the things he could do, he kissed me." Hermione moved her pawn forward. "I was disgusted. Probably the worst thing that's ever happened to me in my entire life." Hermione stated, exaggerating just a bit.

Ron grinned to himself inside his head. So Hermione didn't like Krumm. "What did you do?"

"Oh, I got really angry." Hermione said. "And I told him he was a jerk, and then I left."

"Really?" Ron asked. He was assuming she did more, but she wasn't telling. She did something violent.

"Yeah." Hermione said.

-----

The chess game was going pretty well. Ron was winning, and Hermione was loosing, but it was the thought that counted.

"Checkmate." Ron said.

Hermione laughed. "I don't think I'm ever going to beat you."

Ron was about to say something, when Crookshanks jumped onto the table. "Jeez Crookshanks!" Ron said. It surprised him that Crookshanks came out of nowhere. He seemed to be doing that a lot lately.

Crookshanks looked at Ron, and then he began eyeing the counter. "Hermione, don't let him up there." Ron said, as Crookshanks began walking away. He was walking towards Hermione. "That box of plates is up there, and he broke them last time."

"Crookshanks come here!" Hermione whispered.

Crookshanks ignored Hermione, and he jumped for the counter, doing the exact thing Ron knew he was going to do. He knocked over the box of plates, and it landed on the floor with a loud crash.

Ron couldn't help but laugh, and then they heard movement coming from upstairs, also from his parents' bedroom. He knew that they'd get caught if they tried to go upstairs, and he knew his mother wasn't in the mood to see him either. "Hermione! Get underneath the table!" He whispered.

Hermione nodded her head, and they both slipped underneath the table. Hermione was trying to suppress her laughter, because what they were doing was fun, even though Mrs. Weasley would be infuriated if she saw them, it was fun. Ron gave her a look, and she almost burst out laughing. He had a smile on his face, but he was motioning for her to be quiet.

"What was that?"

From underneath the tablecloth, Ron was able to see his parent's feet. Soon came Harry and Ginny's feet. "What's going on Mrs. Weasley?" Harry asked.

Mrs. Weasley peered around. "I think Crookshanks knocked over that box of plates. Ginny, didn't I tell you to put them on the floor?"

"I was going to, but I forgot." Ginny said, shuffling her feet. She could barely look at her, because she knew her mum was angry still. Then she looked at the table. "Who was playing chess?" Ginny asked, peering at the chessboard.

"Me and Ron were." Harry said. Hermione assumed he forgot that they played in the living room.

"Then why are the candles still lit?" Mrs. Weasley asked.

Ron chuckled quietly. He couldn't help it.

"Is someone underneath the table?" Mr. Weasley asked.

Hermione hit Ron on the arm. She motioned for him to be quiet. She was sure they were going to get caught.

Ginny bent over and was about to lift up the tablecloth, but then Crookshanks appeared. He rubbed against her leg. Ginny picked him up. "Crookshanks! What were you doing?" She scolded, tapping his head.

Everyone left the kitchen after that, except Mrs. Weasley, who fixed all the plates. She blew out all the candles, and left the kitchen in the dark. When Ron was sure that the house was quiet, he slipped out from underneath the table. Hermione was behind him.

"What do we do now?" Hermione asked.

"Let's go upstairs." Ron said.

Hermione nodded her head, and she and Ron ran to the stairs. They weren't sure if anyone was still up. They were running up the stairs when Hermione stopped. "Ouch!" She whispered shrilly.

"What?" Ron asked.

"I stubbed my toe." Hermione said. She pushed Ron to keep going. "Run!" She said.

They continued running up the stairs. Hermione was laughing, and Ron was too.

They burst into Ron's room, shutting the door behind them. Hermione was trying to catch her breath and laugh at the same time. Ron was sprawled out on his bed, consumed by laughter.

After a couple minutes, they calmed down. "We are so going to be in trouble in the morning." Ron said. "Someone was bound to have heard us."

"I don't think they'll kill us Ron." Hermione said. "Unless it was Mrs. Weasley who heard us."

"What are we going to do now?" Ron asked. He was now sitting cross-legged on his bed. Hermione sat down across from him.

"We can play cards." Hermione suggested.

"You hate cards." Ron said, crossing his arms.

"Not speed…" Hermione said, a smile appearing on her face.

"Hermione!" Ron groaned.

"Shh! Don't be so loud." Hermione hissed.

"It's a Muggle game." Ron whispered.

"So, what's wrong with Muggles?" Hermione retorted, her eyes narrowing.

Ron was about to say everything was wrong with Muggles, but then he thought she would be offended. "Nothing's wrong with Muggles." He said in the end.

"Then we'll play cards." Hermione said.

"Can we play for something? Make the game more interesting." Ron asked. He got up and went to his school trunk and began searching for his cards.

"Err…" Hermione thought. "There's nothing we can bet…I have no money, I'd rather not bet on slavery, because I rule at this game and you would lose. Err…"

Ron came back with his cards. "Oh come on Mione. Can't think of anything? That's a first."

Hermione glared at him. "How many games are we going to play?" She asked.

"As many as we can, why?"

"Let's play speed with truth or dare on the side, without the truth." Hermione said. She smirked at his bemused expression. "Something wrong Ron? Can't take a dare?" She asked, knowing he couldn't refuse now.

"Fine. I'll do it." Ron said. Ron was glaring at her, because she knew his weakness. Other than spiders, Ron couldn't stand not taking a dare. It was Weasley nature. Fred, George, and Ginny were the same way.

Hermione took the cards from Ron and began to shuffle them. "What happens when we can't do the dare?"

"We are not going to remove clothing if we can't complete the dare." Ron said.

"I wasn't planning on it." Hermione stated. She began dealing out the cards.

"Err…there has to be something we can do…" Ron said.

"How about…if we can't complete a dare, we have to do something so ridiculously stupid at school." Hermione suggested.

"Fine." Ron said.

Hermione quickly explained the rules so Ron wouldn't get confused. "We're playing doubles as well." Hermione said. Ron nodded his head, and then the game started.

**Game One**

"Hermione, you cheated." Ron said in despair.

"No I didn't." Hermione retorted. "Now what are you going to do?" She asked herself. She tapped her chin as if she were in deep thought. "I dare you to…let me dress you for the day, in the morning." Hermione said.

"I don't like the sound of that." Ron said. He handed Hermione his cards, and she shuffled again.

"I almost feel bad for you Ron." Hermione said. She passed out the cards, and set up the game. "But that's what you get for taunting me." She added.

**Game Two**

"You can't be serious." Hermione said. She was staring at the three cards in her hand, and staring at Ron's empty hands.

Ron was nearly rolling around on his bed from laughter. "It was a close game, but I beat you!"

Hermione was praying to Merlin that Ron didn't make her do anything embarrassing.

"Do you still have that Muggle quill? The one with the really strong smell, and it doesn't come off very well?" Ron asked. He looked at her, a smirk playing at his lips. Hermione could just imagine the little wheels in his head turning.

Hermione was hesitant a moment. "The permanent marker?" She asked. Ron nodded his head. "Yeah." She said.

"Get it. We're going to Harry's room!" Ron said gleefully.

Hermione looked at him quizzically, but she slowly got off Ron's bed and went to Ginny's room, where her trunk was. Ron stayed in the hallway, waiting for Hermione.

Hermione got the marker, and she returned to the hallway. "What do you want me to do with this?" She asked.

"Come on. We have to go to Harry's room before I can tell you." Ron said. Ron turned and began leading the way to Harry's room.

Hermione followed Ron to Harry's room. Ron opened the door and peaked in to see if Harry was sleeping. He put a finger to his lips, and motioned for Hermione to follow. They tiptoed into Harry's room. When they were standing over him, Ron whispered in Hermione's ear, "Color his face."

Hermione stared at him, her eyes open wide. "What?" She mouthed. Ron said it again, and Hermione shook her head, refusing to do it.

"I'm not going to do that." She whispered, putting her hands on her hips. "What do you think he's going to do to me in the morning? I'd rather not suffer the consequences."

"That's fine. I have a billion and a half ideas for you to do at school." Ron said. "And the first one includes chocolate sauce and a bikini." Ron was trying hard to keep a straight face. Hermione cheeks were flaming red. Ron could tell, even in the dark. He even thought he could feel the heat emanating from her skin.

"Okay, okay." Hermione said quickly. She didn't even want to think about what Ron was suggesting with the chocolate sauce and bikini.

Hermione took the cap off the marker, and she leaned forward. If she was going to do this, she was going to have some fun with it.

**Game Nine**

This was their ninth game, and they were still at it. Hermione had lost two more games after the second one, and Ron lost five. At the moment, Ron was wearing maroon fingernail polish, black marker was all over his arms, he was wearing a pair of bright neon green boxers over his pajama bottoms, and his shirt was gone.

Hermione on the other hand, had a lacy bra on over her shirt, and a starfish wizard removable tattoo on her cheek. She looked ridiculous, but not as bad as Ron.

"All right, what time is it?" Ron asked. He yawned and rubbed at his eyes.

"3:45a.m." Hermione said, glancing at Ron. She couldn't believe they were still playing this game. But she wasn't going to be the first one to give up. "Are you tired yet?" She asked playfully.

"No." Ron said quickly. "Just wanted to know what time it was. Jeez Hermione." They both laughed. Then Hermione began dealing the cards out for their tenth game.

**Game Ten**

Hermione was going to suffer this time.

She lost. She lost horribly.

"I dare you to…" Ron thought. He tried to look at Hermione. "There's not much to do anymore." He said. He was lying upside down on his bed, thinking of what he could make Hermione do. Hermione was watching as all the blood was rushing to his head.

"Ron, you're going to get sick." Hermione said. He just shook his head.

Ron smiled, and grinned up at Hermione. Hermione groaned. She knew and could imagine what this was going to be like. The chocolate sauce and bikini thing again. "I dare you to drink that bottle of Fire Whiskey in the fridge." Ron said.

"No. I am not going to do that." Hermione said, refusing. "Your mother is already mad at us. I'd rather not be at the end of her wand too." She said seriously. "I'll do whatever at school." Hermione frowned, as she saw Ron's smile get bigger.

"All right. The answer I was expecting," Ron said, grinning and sitting up, staring at her. Hermione's mouth was open, and she was glaring at him. After a moment of complete and utter silence, Ron began with his dare. "At school, I'm going to take a paper we have to do in Potions, because that's a hard class and everything, and I'm going to ask a first year to do it. All you have to do is recopy what they wrote, and turn it in for a grade."

Hermione crossed her arms. "I am not doing that."

"You're not?" Ron asked.

"No."

"Well, I'll just get Harry," Ron began getting off the bed. "You go see if Ginny still has that really nasty, small, scarlet woman bikini, and after I get Harry, I'll get the chocolate sauce."

"All right!" Hermione said. "I'll do it."

"That's what I thought. You can't break the rules." Ron said. He sat back down on the bed. He gave Hermione a questioning look.

Hermione was rapidly trying to find a way to get out of it. A loophole or something. After spending a few seconds thinking about it, she gave up. "Fine Ronald Weasley. But be warned, I'm going to make you suffer the next time."

**Game Eleven**

"Hermione, you are so cruel." Ron said.

Hermione couldn't bring herself to look at him. Ron looked absolutely uncomfortable and embarrassed the last time she took a glance. She couldn't even bring herself to laugh out loud.

"Hermione, I can't do this." Ron said. "My family is here."

"If you don't do it now, you can do it at school." Hermione said, her voice shaking with mirth.

"But it's uncomfortable." Ron pleaded.

"Are you backing out of a dare Mr. Weasley?" Hermione asked. She peeked a glance at him, and then turned, laughing into her hand.

Ron glared at her. "No." He crossed his arms over his chest, and glared at her. He never thought Hermione Jane Granger would make him do this.

Ever.

Never Ever.

Never Ever Ever.

At that moment, he was wearing nothing. He was absolutely nude, except for a cowboy hat on his head, and a pillow hiding his 'special' places. His ears and face were so red; it looked like he was dying of fever.

Hermione found this hilarious.

Ron found it uncomfortable.

"Are we even now?" Ron asked. He twiddled his thumbs on the pillow. He voice was a lot higher than it had been before.

"Sure."

"You know you canceled out your first dare." Ron said. "About dressing me up? You can't dress me when I'm naked."

"I know." Hermione said. "I like this one better anyways."

"I don't want to play anymore." Ron said.

Hermione shuffled the cards again. "Yes you do."

**Game Twenty One**

"Ronald Weasley, I hate you."

"No you don't. You love me." Ron said.

Hermione and Ron were sitting in the kitchen. Ron was still naked, but he felt more comfortable now that there was no chance that Hermione could see him. She had used a charm on him, so she wouldn't be able to see anything.

Also, getting revenge with Hermione was sweet.

Hermione glared at Ron. If she had enough common sense ten minutes ago, she would have called off the game; because at this moment, things couldn't get worse. It was so bad, Hermione thought she could cry.

She was sitting at the kitchen table, wearing a small, nasty, scarlet woman bikini. A jar of chocolate sauce was sitting to her left, a towel on her right.

"Hermione, what is my mum going to think?" Ron asked, setting his head on the table.

"She'll think we've gone insane." Hermione said. She put her head in her hands. "Especially since you're sitting at her kitchen table nude, baring all."

"Well, Harry's seen me naked before," Ron stated. "But I've never danced for him." Ron said. "I wonder what he's going to think…"

Hermione laughed quietly. "He won't have enough time to think when I'm done with him."

The two began laughing. But then Ron stopped. "This is horrible. What if something happens and I get hurt?" Ron asked. "You know Harry's prone to those kicking spasms."

"Bear with the pain." Hermione stated. She took her head out of her hands, and looked at Ron, smiling.

"I hate you." Ron said, glaring at her.

"I love you too Ron." Hermione said, smiling at him.

It was quiet for a moment, and then they heard someone coming down the stairs. Both Ron and Hermione looked at the doorway, as Harry appeared.

"What the bloody hell were you two doing last night?" Harry asked. His face was red, but there was no sign of permanent marker.

"Nothing." Hermione said. She looked at Ron, and nodded her head slightly.

Ron sighed. "Well Harry," He stated, standing up slowly. "I have something to show you…"

-----

BB/N: I'm going to let everyone's imaginations run wild!

Have A Nice Day! Hope you had nice holidays:)

And Sorry for taking down All Is Fair In Love And Pancakes. There were some plot conflicts, but it'll be up sometime soon again.


	2. The Outcome

**I Hate Hermione And A Muggle Card Game**  
**I do not, under any circumstances, even in my sleep, own Harry Potter. I just own the insane plot, and some of the chocolate sauce.  
****Summary: **Ron is unable to fall asleep. Hermione goes to Ron's room to see what he's doing after she tries to fall asleep. They play chess, cards, and Truth or Dare without the Truth. What kind of trouble are they going to get into? And will Harry be able to cope?

Harry Potter was sitting on his bed, trying to keep certain images of his best friends out of his head. While doing so, he was also thinking about the chocolate sauce that was all over his body.

Hermione Granger was in the bathroom, drying off her hair. At that moment, she felt horrible, because she knew both her best friends were scarred for life, Harry getting the worst of it. She knew Harry had kicking spasms, but she didn't think they'd be that bad. She thought of her other best friend, lying, thankfully with clothes on, in his bed, nearly dying of sleep deprivation. Maybe card games shouldn't be played with truth or dare, minus the truth.

Ron Weasley was laying in his bed, totally clothed, and thinking about his two best friends. Hermione had been in the shower for fifteen minutes. He had been briefly told about the 'thing' she did with Harry and the chocolate sauce. Ron was glad he wasn't there to witness it. It would have been hard to get the images of both his best friends covered in chocolate sauce, out of his head. And then, Harry, of course, had a 'kicking' spasm. The pain was gone now, but Ron now knew that he shouldn't dance naked for anyone.

The End

-----

BB/N: Random…Random…Random…

Well, I have good news people! Bob Bennit has officially fixed AIFILAP or All is Fair in Love and Pancakes. Whichever you prefer…and I finished it. So…Hopefully I can update on a regular basis, because I don't have writers block while writing it. Also, Megumi Ohira and I have a officially started a new fanfic together. It should be posted probably a few days after I post the last chapter of AiFiLaP.

Thanks a bunches for the reviews everyone:)

I hope everyone has had a really nice Holiday. And have a safe new year.

Have A Nice Day!

Love,

Bob Bennit


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